Firearms for all

By Mario Barros (Lenguaviva)

(The opinions and views expressed in the commentaries of The Somerville News belong solely to the authors of those commentaries and do not reflect the views or opinions of The Somerville News, its staff or publishers.)

In a recent, very sensible decision against firearms reduction in Washington D.C., the Supreme Court ratified the inviolability of the sacrosanct Second Amendment to the Constitution (A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed). As a result, my friend Ken and I have decided to form a Bostonian militia to defend our personal turf from the other three hundred-odd million people who share this country with us and who, by the way, also have access to firearms. We are only complying with the spirit of the amendment, right? With that goal in mind, we are thinking of purchasing the following weapons, with their corresponding ammunition: 

o    Two Smith & Wesson 910S 9mm handguns, to fiercely confront any aggressors that dare penetrate our territory.
o    A pair of Colt Python Elite revolvers, in case the aggressors become more daring and penetrate our territory, lustily.   
o    Two M16, 5.56 caliber rifles, to defend ourselves even more fiercely from the aggressors that… well, you know. 
o    Several Russian AK-47, 7.62 caliber rifles, to elevate our defensive strategy to the level of artistic masterpiece.
o    Some Italian Beretta M12 S submachine guns, because (speaking of art) the Italians are artistic even in the production of firearms.
o    Four M240 machine guns, also 7.62 caliber, in case the Berettas end up being too artistic and fail. 
o    Two M2A1-7 flamethrowers, so that the attackers learn in the flesh how a good barbeque is made. 
o    Four RPG-7 rocket launchers, in case we are attacked with armored vehicles. 
o    Half a dozen M1 Abrams tanks that will squash the enemy, armored vehicles and all.   
o    A squadron of B-2 Spirit bombers, so that the spirits scare them away.   
o    A nuclear Nimitz-class aircraft carrier that will carry its dissuasive message to
the enemy.
o    A bunch of LFM-30 Minuteman III ICBM, whose nuclear warheads will make the enemy disappear in a minute, in case all else fails.

 
The only thing that concerns us is that the famous stimulus rebate check that we just received from the Department of the Treasury might not be enough for all the purchases we have to make.

 
Readers' donations are appreciated.

The author is a Cuban-American humorist in the Boston area. He can be reached at [email protected]

Comments

[Columbine]

Aw, shoot. ;-)

Being a woman, of course, I take this essential freedom to heart, and plan to implement a dual strategy of energy efficiency and self-defense. The reactor should go online in 2010.

Because - just ask history! The aggressor was always the one who LOST.

[Imux]

pssst....Mario, drop me a line. I know a guy, who knows a guy that has a lot of that stuff IN STOCK. Even the B2 bombers.

And rebate check? Rebate checks, to god-damned hell with rebate checks! I have no rebate check. In fact, we don't need rebate checks. I don't have to show you any stinking rebate checks, you god-damned cabrón and ching' tu madre! Come out from that shit-hole of yours. I have to speak to you.

[Somerville n00b]

If you buy nukes I'll have to buy some to for deterrence. See what you did? Now we'll have an arm's race in Somerville! :)

[JPM]

I know it's humour and I am pretty liberal on social issues. However, the liberal position on gun control makes absolutely no logical sense to me.
Sure, If I was designing a country from scratch I would outlaw guns for the populace unless you could demonstrate a good reason to have one .ie you are a farmer that needs a shotgun or rifle to protect livestock etc...

But in the USA the cat is well a nd truly out of the bag....the toothpaste is out of the tube. The country is awash with guns as a result of your history and culture. So any laws just prevent law abiding peolle from getting guns not criminals.

[CCW4ME]

"The author is a Cuban-American humorist in the Boston area."

I guess he likes to poke fun at the Second Amendment to our Constitution while enjoying his rights under the First Amendment.

What a jerk!!!

[LennyB]

Well, so sorry my liberal friend. Everyone one of the above weapons on your "wish list" is illegal here in the People's Republik of Mass.! Yup, the nukes and rocket lunchers, all are illegal here for you and your friends to own. Moving down the list to the small arms, the AK47 rifle is specifically outlawed in the infamous "Acts of 1998 laws" here. Alas, even the lowly Colt Elite revolver at the very end of your list is not to be found on the Mass. Appoved List of allowable handguns for purchase. Well, can I interest you in a knife? Just make sure the one you carry has a blade less than 3 1/2" long because we have laws here in Commonwaste about that too! Come to think of it that guitar I see in your photo could and has been used as a "dangerous weapon" here in Mass.

[fsilber]

"Keep and bear" refers to personal weapons. Some of your selections sound too heavy for an individual to lift.

[kampfy]

You do know that you will need a state licence to own a machine gun in Massachusetts. As for the destructive devices on your list, the RPG's and flamethrowers (as obsolete as they are) are fine but there are known transferable copies for anything else. Good luck in your quest.

[Jack]

You forgot the cannons, claymores, and land mines.Just think how much nicer your neighbors will be if they fear pissing you off. You wouldn't ever have to threaten anyone. Just the sight of your arsenal will be warning enough for people to leave you alone. As far as paying for your toys, you will have to budget just like the rest of us, but then again, who would ever try to repossess anything bought on credit from a home like yours.

[Bambi Ragnoti]

Apparently the writer is a "low" Bostonian humorist who forgot to add a "fart cushion" to his arsenal.

[Greg Peterson]

Cuban-American humorist. Gee, if those Waco-American humorists had thought of that, things may have turned out a little differently. Not so funny now, is it?

[Cloud Minder]

Hardy-har-har-har!
Remember not to try to talk when your tongue is in your cheek!
Why don't you tell us what you RELLY think?
You know -- of course -- buying machine guns ain't gonna happen. And certainly the tanks, the aircraft carrier, and ....
Well geeesh.
Now, you realize that buying the firearms actually WAS a good idea???

-- or not --

Therein lies the problem when your tongue is in cheek.

[Wendy Weinbaum]

As a Jewess in the US, I would like to remind everyone that America wasn't won with a registered gun, and that criminals are stopped by FIREARMS, not by talk. That is why all REAL Americans put our 2nd Amendment FIRST!

[Somerville n00b]

BLAM! BLAM! :P

[jonny]

too bad you dont like gun but its the people right i know i love guns

[arthur]

uhhh. Cuban maybe...where was the humor part?

On the other hand, if y ou do get some of that stuff you may be safe from Deval Patrick for a few months.

[E.Zach Lee-Wright]

Gee, I read your posting of the second amendment and I notice it says "the right of the people". The folks who keep insisting this was a collective right miss the word "right". States do not have rights. States have powers, not rights. Madison was protecting the state's ability to launch a militia by protecting the citizen's right to keep arms for any lawful purpose. By having citizens who are armed, the states can call up militias. This is NOT new law.

[JARfromWard3]

Correct you are Wendy! A well armed society--one in which law abiding citizens are empowered to keep and carry firearms--is a polite society. The US state which has what is widely considered to be the most Constitutionally pure gun statute also happens to have, last time I checked, the second lowest crime rate. All you need there is a driver's license to carry anywhere except federal buildings and state parks. If you take the piece out, you better HAVE to use it.

By the way JN, just out of curiosity... do the Bobbies still carry only the short clubs? I know they did up until a few years ago.

73
JAR

[Imux]

Gun laws don't decrease crime. It just gives the bad guys an advantage and empowers the gov't (liberal facists) to take total control.

I've always said that if everyone was arnmed on those planes on 9/11 then it would not have happened. Arm the passengers - that would stop airline hijackings.

[JARfromWard3]

Imux;

I agree with all of what you say except one thing... if only ONE person were carrying on those flights--and it was a known fact that someone was carrying, but no one knew who--they probably wouldn't have occured. You can fly armed anywhere within New Zealand. No TSA, no metal detectors, no pat downs, no x-rays... and NO hijackings! Until 1969 it was legal to carry on US interstate flights.

More guns=less crime. Stats prove it. Saying guns kill is the same as saying the reason I'm overweight is because of a spoon!

73
JAR

[Imux]

JAR, exactly. And the funniest thing is that these PDS/moonbats don't realize that if/when their Islamofacists friends launch another attack - this time with WMDs - on the homeland and anarachy reigns it will be those of us with the biggest guns that rule. These fools will still be looking for the government to take care of them -- and there will ne NO government! LOL! Ask the people in New Orleans after katrina who made out and survived (hint: those packing heat did!).

All I can say is that i am locked and loaded and waiting. Fully stocked... ammo (check!)... weapons cleaned (check!).... beer (check! CHECK!!!!).... list (growing!).

[asdfghjkl]

ahaha.
wow mr.barros.
that was uhh. intresting.

SAY NO TO VIOLANCE MAN!
KEEP THE PEACE!
...yeah.right (:

[Wig Zamore]

Oops, just realized I posted the comments below under Bill's column by mistake. Slightly less damaging than shooting or driving the wrong way, I hope. (Actually saw a car drive full speed up Cedar the wrong way last night, and turn left onto Highland toward Davis without slowing down for the legal traffic which had a green light. Perhaps it is a good thing there is no constitutional right to drive. Then again this could have been an unlicensed driver.)

Back on point, more or less:

A 2002 public health study available from the national library of medicine suggests that the gun related homicide mortality rates in the top 6 gun owning states were 4.2 times the rates of the bottom 4 gun owning states, for the 10 years from 1988 through 1997. The non-gun related homicide rates were also higher in the gun owning states - but only 60% higher not 320% higher as in the gun-related category. Both homicide rates were higher in every age category in the gun heavy states - 0-4, 5-14,15-24,25-34,35-44,45-54,55-64 and >64.

Regards, Wig

PubMed Cite:

Am J Public Health. 2002 December; 92(12): 1988–1993. PMCID: PMC1447364

Copyright © American Journal of Public Health 2002

Rates of Household Firearm Ownership and Homicide Across US Regions and States, 1988–1997

Matthew Miller, MD, MPH, ScD, Deborah Azrael, MS, PhD, and David Hemenway, PhD

[Somerville n00b]

Perhaps the driver was being chased by the police...