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January 13, 2006

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Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 13, 2006

MAYOR ENDORCES PATRICK........
Mayor Joseph A. Curtatone endorsed Deval Patrick in his run for governor today, according to a press release from the Patrick campaign.

MAYOR ENDORCES REILLY.........
Mayor Joseph A. Curtatone endorsed Attorney General Tom Reilly in his run for governor today, according to a press release from the Reilly campaign.

MAYOR ENDORCES MIHOS.........
Mayor Joseph A. Curtatone endorsed Christi Mihos in his run for governor today, according to a press release from the Mios campaign.

MAYOR ENDORSES HEALEY........
Mayor Joseph A. Curtatone endorsed Lt.Governor Kerry Healey for governor today, according to a press release from the Healey campaign.


Cambriville News contacted the Mayor late today to ask him about the multiple endorsements. The second term Mayor quipped, "Hey, I didn't invent ass-kissing, but I'm sure having fun perfecting it!"


Gardening Tips From The Mayor: "The Art of Hedging In Tough Fiscal Times" tonight at the Somerville Museum, 7:30pm, Curtatone Room.(bring your own knee pads)

Tony the Republican says he's running!

Rumor has it that Tony has been making phone calls telling everybody that he's going to run for the mayor's seat next term. This guy changes his mind by the week. I think that people are starting to catch on. I've never seen somebody so obsessed with being the Mayor of Somerville. Is that all this guy thinks about? It looks like Tony is attempting to build his team early on. Tony should forget about being the mayor and spend more time with Helena G.

Tricky

NEWS FLASH:
CAMBRIVILLE, NORTHAMPTON TO MERGE

In order to consolidate Deval Patrick supporters throughout the Commonwealth, Mayor Joseph A. Curtatone has announced that the cities of Cambriville and its western counterpart, Northampton, will merge in the very near future.

“Deval has the experience, leadership skills and compassion to be an effective and successful governor,” said Curtatone at the groundbreaking for the new Green Line Extension Extension from West Medford to Northampton Common. "At least until Capuano enters the race."

"Hell, you can't turn around in Diesel Cafe without knocking over someone who went to Smith," said Curtatone. "No one's going to know the difference, anyway."

Loyalist supporters are secretly up in arms over the proposed merger, and leaders are secretly marshalling their troops.

Developing...

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS

Internal Confidential Memo
For Tricky's Eyes Only

To: Tricky

From: Mrs.McCarthy

Re: Personal Safety and Hygeine


Tricky, glad to have you back on the beat!

As you are aware, the troubles here in Cambriville continue to bubble just below the surface and could erupt at any time. The recent Provost win has prompted the Mayor to begin the unauthorized wire tapping of all land, cable, satellite, and cell communications. The troops are being rallied in an effort to "take back our City", the press is once again under attack and the good ol'boys are making desperate attempts to infiltrate the "Progessive" movement.(i.e. Curtatone's endorsement of Deval Patrick, a known Progressive. Jehlen has a picture of him on her dashboard, etc.)

In an effort to continue our outstanding reporting here at the Cambriville News, we must now take every precaution to protect our identities as well as those of our snitches, er, sources. All communications therefore and henceforth(I love using those two words) should be scrambled. As some of the current employees at Somerville City Hall speak fluent Ubbi-Dubbi, please refrain from its use. All communicatons from Ronald Newman are to immediately ignored.(he's just a royal pain in my ass!).

And finally, it has come to my attention that you shower on a daily basis. I would suggest that in order to keep peace at the Diesel Cafe and to prepare you for your assignments in Northampton, you shower every four days instead.

I can't tell you how glad I am that you are back in good form.(in fact, I just wet myself)

If I can in any way help you, do yourself a favor and don't ask me. You do just fine without me butting in.

Peace Out Tricky or Treaty

Mrs. McCarthy
Editor In Chief
Cambriville News
Cambriville, Massachusetts

Of Course

Boris darling, what did JC and the Ex-communications director have in common?

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 2006


ROMNEY EYES LOCAL AID HIKE........The Romney administration yeserday announced its $237 billion aid package to local cities and towns at the Mass Municipal Association meeting in Boston. In one of the most obvious suck up moves to ensure a Healey victory in the governors race this fall, Romney will dole out the cash on November 30th of this year. NOT on the list to receive the extra funds are the communities of Cambridge, Somerville, Northampton, Taunton, Pittsfield and Salem.

Tom Champion, spokesperson for Mayor Joseph A. Curtatone, released a statement this morning in response to the snub by the Governor, "Shit, shit, shit!".

IN OTHER NEWS................

Big Dig End in Sight.... As the light at the end of tunnels becomes clearer, authorities today unveiled their plan for the final stages of the Big Dig(into your pockets). Asked where all the construction debris would eventually wind up after the final rivet is set in place, an anonamous source from the Mass Turnpike Authority would only comment, "Don't be stupid, man! You know most of this shit's goin across the Zakim and right into the vacant land at Assembly Square. Christmas Tree Shoppes plans to open a factory over there and use the scrap for next years ornaments and decorations."

WINNERS TO CLAIM PRIZES.......Controversy is brewing over who the actual winner of the Grand Prize is in the recent 2005 Somerville News Reader's Poll. It appears that all the recipents of last years "Best of" categories showed up at Jamie Norton's house to claim the Mercedez they thought would go to the winner. Developing..........

Brady vs. Broncos....... In Denver, Tonight at 8:00PM Ch. 4

Progressives "Pot" Luck Supper....... In Cambriville, Shelton's House, at 8:00PM(to be re-broadcast on SCAT as soon as they can)

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 2006


EXTRA..............ANTI-NORTON VIRUS SPREADS

The News has learned that the City's 311 system has been down since Friday evening after Information Technology director Halloran tried to install the newest software on the city's mainframe. The software, designed to identify all Somerville News bloggers who have also called the 311 line and who have logged onto the City's website, is known as the "Anti-Norton Progam".

Halloran,who was contacted today and informed that the virus was now spreading across the entire City, commented "I pooped my pants! I gotta go, the Pats are playing today and I gotta get to Johnnies to stock up. Call Koty."

In Today's Good News.......... It was announced today from the Ministry of Magic on Dane street, that Ron Newman has been released from Somerville Hospital after an emergency procedure last night. It appears that doctors were successful in extracting two boxes of Luden's Cherry Flavored Cough Drops from Newman's rectum. Asked how he was feeling, Newman commented, "Fine! Just a bad cough."

Editor's Note: The Editor of the Cambriville News wishes to inform its readers that due to the Brady Show telecast tonight at 8:00Pm on Ch. 4 and that she has to get to Walgreens to get food for the Brady Party, posts and news updates may be limited today. Due to last years mahem in the Community Room at the Little Sisters,(and due to the recent assasination attempt on McCarthy's life) the gathering of the "Brady 100 Club" has been moved to the secure location on Sycamore Street. The password for entry is "linguisa".

Of Course

Natasha darling, did you ever get back to ES, the Rep. from the Amherst area about the lack of cooperation from the Cuban entourage? Our accommodations were, well, to say the least, inadequate for our entire team. We didn’t have enough rooms available for us.

I am not so sure I would want to go back after our episode there. Would you Darling?

Party on Sycamore Street!

Haters party on Sycamore Street! All the trouble makers are invited. Tony is attempting to rally the troops and buy their support! The only requirement is that you have to be anti-Curtatone. My spies will be watching who enters. Remember the password is LINGUISA

The Evil Genious!

What happend to John L? Maybe you can cry on Tony's shoulder tonight. Try to focus more on the Pats game rather than cutting everybody's balls off. I'm sure that Tony will rub your back and assure you that everythings going to be all right. I wish I could be there to listen to Tony tell you how he's gonna get back at everybody in two years. Maybe you will get lucky and Tony will promise you the commish job in the yard. Things haven't been the same since Mike left you behind 7 years ago. Thats what happens when you can't make it in the private sector. buh bye for now!

Ace Reporter

FOR MRS MCCARTHY'S EYES ONLY - TOP SECRET

DEEP UNDERCOVER ACE REPORTER

Mrs. McCarthy - I have been deep undercover for the past week hiding out in the trunk of Jamie Norton's Mercedes, which was taken for a joy ride by a member of two splinter factions of the PDS (both NPWBP - Nerds and Polys With Back Packs and LFFFAFA - Liberals For Free Food at Any Function Anytime). I can't reveal his name right now, but let's just say he wears plaid on plaid much too often and is ingesting 8 ounces of Ludens Cough & Cold Medicine every two hours.

It has been another terrifying ordeal for me, now the second time I have been either forced or went on my own, undercover for The Cambriville News, but that's the dedication you can count on from me.

It started off innocently enough, puttering around town in that seemingly spacious German trunk. You'd be surprised at the amount of foodstuffs Jamie and his wife keep in their trunk.

The first night was spent on Progressive Hill at the newly fortified Rainbow Coalition Castle, where I overheard them speaking Ubbi Dubbi and plotting their next move. The next day, I stayed put while apparently my so called captor and two "friends" of the cause kept running back and forth to Brooks for Depends, Ludens and KY Warming Liquid. Disturbing.

For two days after that, the car didn't move from the Ministry of Magic on Dane Street, until Wednesday morning, when someone other than my beloved captor moved the vehicle to Albion Street. The driver, who exclaimed "I pooped my pants! I can't believe no real candidate ran against Denise!", left me there in front of newly elected State Rep. Denise "Snaggletooth" Provost's home.

At some point on Thursday, John L was on his daily constitutional and noticed the vehicle. He remarked "I'll show those friggin Nortons!", got in, and drove off in a hurry. Since then, the car has been parked on Forster Street and I've had quite the view of the Brady 100 Club - I've seen the delivery Mini from Atasca's bringing food in all night long and many notables who shall, for the time being, remain nameless.

I will note that Mr. Important has been seen in the area, skulking around in his C-class Mercedes and was overheard at one point saying "Screw em, let's see them beat pal Joey without my money!".

I feel as though I must get back and create a list of people on hand to witness the Brady Show and the post game ultra modern dance presentation by Ron and the Ludens. Talk soon.

Ace Reporter, out.

jjj

nnnnn

Of Course

I love it. All three men are not doing a damn thing in the City and they get up front publicity. For the poster boys that are worried about Tony L, John l, Mr. Big and the like, you have to be as insecure as your friggin face in front of you.

Talk about support and running for an office when we just got through an Inaugural is so ridiculous. You just keep on bring up their names and slinging the same old crap as always. You have no clue and you want to continue to blow smoke up everyone’s buttocks.

Keep it up, there are over 435 days left for the next preliminary. Keep using the names Mr. Big, Tony L, and John L. They won’t have to raise any campaign funds since your giving them all the publicity they need.

James Norton

Cambriville/Mrs. McCarthy/Contributors -

Funny as Hell.

Of Course -

You couldn't be more correct.

Anyone else -

Listen, here is a new one of "JN's Rules". There's an enourmous difference between mentioning someone in witty, fictional text and being downright nasty-ass. I can't be here everyday, but the next time I see nasty crap like from The Frozen Hotdog, I will just unpublish it. Try writing something a little less personally nasty, a use a few brain cells and come up with something a bit more creative. Comments are great but personal attacks aren't really all that welcomed.

At least try to do that until the Ministry of Delusion at 93 Highland Avenue gets it into all of their heads that the people who post comments on this weblog AREN'T ASSOCIATED WITH THIS NEWSPAPER.

Chew on that.

JN

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
BLACK SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 2006


The Editor In Chief of the Cambriville News regrets to inform its readers that due to the loss(you know of what I speak) last night, we will not be commenting on jack shit today.

And in only one related story...........

Mrs McCarthy has denied reports from members of the "Brady 100 Club" that she purposely set fire to the 3ft X 3ft poster of Brady after last evenings loss to the assholes, er, Broncos. MCCarthy claims that the sleeve of her silk Kimono accidently knocked the poster onto the vigil candles that were set in front of the poster on the makeshift alter.

McCarthy could not be reached for comment at press time.(truth be told, she never came back to the Little Sisters residence after the game and is still missing.)

Tonight on Cable 16.........The 42nd consecutive airing of the Inaugural Ceremonies(the "Joey Show")

The Frozen Hotdog

I apologize if I offended anyone. However everything I say is the absolute truth. Tony L is the biggest obsessed fraud in the city. Please advise as to how one can blog on this site without getting unpublished.

James Norton

Frozen Hotdog -

Well, if you've been a watcher of this weblog for any period of time, you can become accustomed to the rules because they are common sense. One important thing to remember - wives and significant others and children are off limits. Posting something like someone losing his job - how irresponsible is that? Even if it was true, and I'm not sure that it is, that's just wrong to do what you did in the way you did it.

Look, you want to make an impression to a certain group of people - just remember one thing - people don't remember what was said, they just remember the names. You want them to go away, stop bringing them up.

Swearing for the sake of swearing is friggin stupid (see how I did that?). Silly, stupid or known to be false comments will be unpublished. Use vague references, peoples initials and expletives in places they should be and maybe you'll be able to post some good stuff on here.

Be a tool and be bounced, simple as that.

I think you get the point. If not, then strap on the chin guard and the drool bucket and sit back and let the adults post for a while.

JN

The Frozen Sausage

I hope that The Frozen Sausage keeps it going. I worked for TL on his last campaign and I know how dangerous this man can be. I praise the Frozen Hotdog for speaking the truth. I just wish that people would forget about TL. TL will never be a in politics. TL tried it in Cambridge and now he's attempting it in
Somerville. The Frozen Hotdog should pull his voting history and you would see that this man was a former Republican. Its unfortuante that the Frozen Hotdog is getting critisized for speaking the truth.

Imporatnt Information

JN, I am not saying that the Frozen Hotdog is correct in the way he recklessly goes after certain people on this blog, but lets face it. Tony L has been calling people around town announcing that he will be running for mayor in the next election and bad mouthing the current administration as well. That makes him fair game. It is understood that you are not crazy about the people currently seated at 93 Highland Avenenue but you can't be serious about protecting a blowhard like Tony L. All this guy talks about is how much money he has and how he is not afraid to spend it to take down the people he doesn't like. If this guy ever takes office he is going to be dangerous. He is vindictive and is not looking out for the city's best interest. I think that the information that comes from the Frozen Hotdog is important information that the people of Somerville should be aware of. Just a thought from someone who cares.

Bowtie

Tony runs around town in his bowtie and beret. He looks like a real pompous asshole. Get a life Tony. Why is being the mayor of Somerville so important to you. Go back to NYC and run for something there. Take Mortadella Head with you.

James Norton

Are you kidding me?

This is a newspaper and I write an Op-Ed piece which is MY opinion. No matter who sits in the corner office, they become target number uno when you're writing about local politics, will you give me that much? I have said it over and over - it's not that I do or don't like the Mayor, I happen to get along with him just fine.

As far as protecting TL - you're way off base there - almost to the point of insulting me. I have never even said anything nice about TL, protected TL or stuck up for TL (except for the time someone made an unsavory comment about his kid), so re-read what I wrote a few times until you get it through your thick head.

And how the hell would you know if TL is calling everyone all over the city, saying he's running for Mayor next time and bad mouthing the Mayor and the Administration? I consider myself pretty plugged in, and all I've heard about that is that it's an untrue rumor, period. Besides that, half the city does what you're talking about every bloody day, just because he had the balls to run for Mayor once doesn't mean he's enemy number two forever.

Look, everybody knows about the friggin Republican thing and if you think he's more or less vindictive than anyone else around here, then you're a real idiot. And before you make another comment about it - by me saying that, I'm NOT sticking up for him - just telling you how it is and nothing more.

Listen, you claim you want him and others to go away - then why the frig do you keep mentioning him over and over and over and over again. If you "Just Say No" when it comes to mentioning certain people, I am telling you, they will go away.

Thats MY two cents.

JN

Why?

That was very well said. I would like to thank you and Ron Newman for all of your entertaining comments. Ron, please go back to wearing mens clothing. Enough is enough.

The Mole

Well, I find it most amusing to see the web log chat concentrating on politics the way they are just after the fabulous Inaugural that just occurred 11 days ago.

Our Savior is here and no one will even accept that fact. Joey is so far up Joey's own buttocks that he even thinks he looks good.

Most know Joey has been having some financial hang ups. He sells his house that he hasn't lived in for 3 years to his sister, MC. This will be the second time she has owned the same property. He no longer has the leased vehicle he got when he became Mayor. I can go on and on and on. It is a wonder what someone can find on line that has everything to do with public records.

But putting Joey's financial problems behind us, I’m going out on a limb and saying that we may see a special election someday in the near future. I am not talking about the recent victory of Alderwoman Provost, but of more substance in this community.

I just don't know how much more I can say. Those that dislike TL JL, JC, SK and the rest of the Ocean Eleven, post on here like they were reporting for CNN, myself included. Where is that going to take us? What will that do for us or for the people we speak of? Nothing unless your the lucky one that has hit the nail on the head.

Well, a lot of us have missed the head of the nail several times and just piss it out of our computers and plant whatever kind of seeds we do under whatever fictional screen name we can come up with. We all hope we stay within the parameters JN sets up, but some of us, fall through the cracks.

I just hope the head of my nail will be pounded in the wood soon. For what I know, it won't be long before the G-Men come to town and clean house.

Joey

The only person that calls the mayor joey is Tony! Does that say enough! lol

Ron Newman

All I know about Tony L. is that at Denise's victory party, he simultaneously asserted that I should stop posting here, but also that he didn't read anything here. Didn't make much sense to me.

I never go there! Ya right!

Just like everybody else that says that they never surf this site, but they know the minute their name is posted when they don't like that particular posting! Just admit it, to find out what's going on, it's the place to be!!!!!!!!

WATCHMAN

Hi all i'm not a regular poster on this site but i do read all the postings and i have to say that all the people that talk about Tony L and John L and the rest of the gang are gonna be in for a rude awakening in the very near furture just keep the Joey C band wagon and you'll all be going for a very long ride i promis

Watch This

People are starting to get sick of TL and his threats. That little guy has small man's snydrome. He should get over himself and focus more on his family rather than making threats to people. Somerville needs to be united, and people don't want to hear from the haters and the threats they carry on their sleves.

Viva Brazil

Tony may have a shot at the mayor's seat if he can rally the support of his fellow Brazilian comrades. The Brazilian population is growing everyday and if Tony is smart he will cater to these people. He should focus on doing positive things for Somerville and stop talking about how he is going to take down City Hall and everyone in it. The way he has been talking lately sounds like the ramblings of a sick and obsessed man. I really feel bad for this guy. He should enjoy life and stop worrying about what "Joey" is doing. He should also stop telling lies about not reading this site. I know for a fact he sits in his office all day with his eyes glued to his computer monitor. He may take a break to have lunch and a bottle of wine at Atasca but when he finishes his linguica and clams its right back to the blog.

brickbottom

"Watch This".......it sounds like your talking about the current residents of city hall!


"Somerville needs to be united, and people don't want to hear from the haters and the threats they carry on their sleves."

The Frozen Hotdog

Thats right Milking the Cow. He is going to be the head flag pole installer. First job is the Pig's house in Arlington.

G-men?

Mole, can you give an estimate when you think the G-men are coming? This crew needs an Indictment for the snow policies and procedures that currently exist. This is as close to extortion as it can legally get. The last snow storm the automobiles would have been required to be removed from the even side of the street at 4am. They got lucky when all rain came and the snow emergency was cancelled. Tony L doesn't sound to bad to me after what we have witnessed the last two years!

The Mole

G-Men, it will happen when Mrs. McCarthy gives the word. No sooner! No later! For she is the one in control...

I am sure she had to digest our latest gathering of Intel. She will be a little surprised how accurate this Intel is and will no longer doubt her friend, cohort, the Molee.

THE MOLE

Mrs. McCarthy

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
THURSDAY, JANUARY 19, 2006


QUOTE FOR THE DAY

"The quickest and most efficient way to eliminate a menace is to decapitate it. Except chickens, they continue to run around in the palace kitchen after beheading."


Henry VIII - 1500 something

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