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December 29, 2005

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Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
DECEMBER 29, 2005

EXCLUSIVE.........

The News has just learned that the 2006 Inaugural Ceremonies scheduled for the Centennial Auditorium at the Really High School will be hosted by none other than the "Skipper" himself, Frank Santangelo. This year's theme will be nautical in nature and feature the cast of the really off Broadway(Jacques Street to be exact) cast of "Naughty Girls Gone Wild".

The News has also learned from our ace fashion reporter for the night, DPW Commissioner Stan Koty, what the new indictees, ugh, inductees will be wearing on Monday night.

The Mayor will tone down this years outfit and has traded in his Valentino tux for a more sedate blue serge suit he recently purchased at Boston's Louis for a mere $5000.

Incoming President of the Board of Alderman, Maryann Heuston will be sporting $2,000,000 worth of "ice" she received this Christmas from her new beau, Jimmy Smits of the NBC hit series, "The West Wing".

Ward 7 Alderman Bob Trane will be wearing the same ill-fitting rented tux he always wears.(he really should have it dry cleaned)

Alderman and one time(maybe again)Senate candidate Bill White will undoubtedly wear his Republican cloth coat(hopefully not for long)

Alderman and State Representative Denise Provost will no doubt look resplendent in her latest multi-colour poncho which is now on sale in the new "Progressives Panache" boutique in Union Square. (bring your own bags)

And rumor has it that newly elected Ward 6 Alderman Rebekahhhhhh Geewiz will be electrifying in an updated version of one of Pat Jehlen's old pant suits.(navy blue)

We hear that Barrios, Sciortino and Martinez will be appearing as the Andrews Sisters and will offer a musical tribute to our Service Men.

This promises to be the fashion event of season so don't miss it live from the red carpet on the Concourse, Monday, January 3, 2006, 7:00pm.

The re-broadcast of this program will depend soley on how many close-ups the cameramen get of the Mayor. If it comes out good, look for this to play on Cable Channel 16 for the next 4 months.

This Weekend in the Ville........

Our top picks for the Best Boners of 2005.


(Editors Note: We originally intended to publish our final 2005 copy on Christmas night, but due to an accidental overdose of prune juice and vicks vapo rub, our new Editor, Mrs. McCarthy was quite under the weather. The paper regrets any inconvenience to its readers)

WANTED: Contributing writers for the Cambriville News(since that asshole Trickey bailed on us.) Anyone with a unique and sordid view of our town and it's inhabitants should apply)

Of Course

To Cambriville News: best change the date to the 2nd of January for the 2006 Inaugural or you will have everyone going to Cambridge...unless that was your intent all along...

Cambriville News

CORRECTION

Of Course we meant the 2nd of January. Monday the second of January, 2006. Of Course.

See you on the Concourse, of course!

The Cambriville News regrets the error, of course.

Bring back Tricky!!!

BRING BACK TRICKY!!!!

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
DECEMBER 30, 2005

BREAKING NEWS.......


Controversy erupted on the rehearsal set for Monday's gayla performance for the 2006 Inaugural Ceremonies when Senator Barrios, Representative Sciortino and wanna-be-alderman Martinez abruptly walked off the set in protest of the Mayor's insistence to add a second act to the "Andrews Sisters" performance.

Late this morning, the Mayor added to the lineup, Eminem, who is scheduled to perform several selections from Andrea Bocelli's smash album "Cilli Di Toscana". The Mayor's office also announced that there will be an admission fee charged at the door of $250.00 per person. Senator Barrios was outraged that he was not notified in advance of the changes and for once, has refused interviews with any member of the media. Asked for comment, the Mayor replied, "Who gives a shit, the City needs the revenue."

The Mayor's office has also asked us to remind citizens that there will be meters installed in all parking lots surounding the High School and City Hall for the event.
Employees of the Traffic and Parking Department will make change and perform valet parking duties.


Another late breaking story involves a "wardrobe malfunction" in the making. Rumor has it that Alderman Dennis Sullivan has become so attached to the Santa suit he wore performing on the Concourse during the Holidays, he is insisting that he will forego the traditional tuxedo and has modified the Santa suit to show off his midrif. Organizers for the event have firmly disallowed him from wearing the outfit citing the fact that all lavatories in the facilities are in the basement of the building. Asked about the ruling, Alderman Sullivan, broke away from the free canteen table to utter, "We'll see about that! Any mustard?"


Next week in Union Square..... "Pre-owned Fruit Cake Sale"(bring your own Little Red Wagon's for transport)

Public Service Announcement

Please remember that City Hall, the Centennial Auditorium and the rest of Somerville is not accessible by the Green Line.

Wannabe Reporter

(for submission to the CAMBRIVILLE NEWS)

DECEMBER 30, 2005
BREAKING NEWS:

In preparation for the gala event on Monday to fluff Mayor McCheese and the rest of the Commission of Retardation, zombies were seen all over the city today returning from their wintery vacations.

Absent from the day's sightings, but not forgotten were the Cambriville News winners for "Best Comb-over for 2005", Boss Hogg and the unprecedented dual category winner (and complete protege of the Hogg) for "Best natural tan obtained and maintained from the 305 Area Code" and "Lowest IQ of anyone to ever hold political office", O'Drinkivan.

Spotted at various locations throughout the city today:

The Newmanator was arrested peeking into one of the windows at the YMCA - supposedly looking for either "Tricky" or a "Trick" - details were sketchy at the scene, but the officers were wearing rubber gloves, which apparently excited Newmie even more.

Herbie the Hack, Mikey the Drunk, Frankie the mongoloid and several other missing city workers were spotted in Cambridge getting drunk at Legal's and then heading off to Woburn to fire guns, beat their chests and feel like really tough guys. They apparently need to do these things for reassurance.

Sully was seen leaving the State Bureau of Prisons with his pink slip in one hand and his beloved santa suit in the other - was reported to have said "I'll show them all - who the REAL Badder Santa is" and proceeded to call up some midgets in preparation to jump the fence, skip the bill or go to tranny night at Toast. Details still coming in on that one.

Mayor McCheese was spotted at a local used car place trying to barter a used Daewoo for a meter nazi job. Was heard saying "i know this is all i can afford, but for christs sake - even mongo has a lincoln".

Seen in the far back corner of Starbucks late today - Tricky, The Mole, Delusional and JN, all conspicuously absent from this weblog over the past two weeks. According to one PDS member who supposedly overheard them, they were plotting to exile Ron Newman back to whatever planet he came from, shave the Hoggs' comb-over off and rename him Captain Stubing, donate to the Bob Trane and Dennis Sullivan clothing and meal funds, rob the T&P of the valet money from Monday's nights event and expose themselves to a group of unsuspecting PDS members at the same event in the hopes that heterosexual proclivities were present on some level still amongst the group.

Other sightings are still coming in...

Cambriville News

Wannabe Reporter
Anywhere
Cambriville, Massachusetts

Dear Wannabe,

We recieved your submission late today and are pleased to inform you of your acceptance to our staff of reporters for the Cambriville News.

There are some quidelines and questions we will have to go over before you begin with our firm.

1. Are you a citizen of the United States?
2. Are you a citizen of France?(if yes, please stop here, we can't use you)
3. Have you peed your pants in the last twenty minutes?(if yes, did you clean yourself up?)
4. Have you ever used an alias?(if so what was it?)
5. Have you ever stayed at the Debbie Reynolds Hotel/Casino/Hollywood Movie Museum in Las Vegas?
6. Do people say you look like Abraham Lincoln?
7. Are you willing to give Mrs. McCarthy a backrub every Tuesday at 4:00 pm?
8. Do you solemnly swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States so help you God?
9. Have you ever been convicted of any crime against animals?(please include any beastiality convictions)
10. Do you swear to keep your own identity a secret for the rest of your natural life?
(if you answer no to the above, the sessions with Mrs. McCarthy increase to 8 times per week.)

Please answer any of the above as best you can and feel free to keep submiting your thoughts/rantings/musings and your prayers to the Cambrville News.

Thank you agian and we look forward to working with you soon.


Sincerely,

The Editorial Board and John Malcovitch
Cambriville News


Ace Reporter

Thanks for taking me on as your new "ace reporter". My answers to your questions are as follows, and I'm sure you'll be pleased with them, although I bet I'll be edited again like yesterday (there was a shot that was removed by JN or someone up on high).

1. Are you a citizen of the United States?
I am a citizen of the US and Cambriville.

2. Are you a citizen of France?(if yes, please stop here, we can't use you)
France sucks - we should have let Germany have them, the ingratefull assholes.

3. Have you peed your pants in the last twenty minutes?(if yes, did you clean yourself up?)
Yes and yes

4. Have you ever used an alias?(if so what was it?)
Yes and I'll never tell

5. Have you ever stayed at the Debbie Reynolds Hotel/Casino/Hollywood Movie Museum in Las Vegas?
God no, but I think that's where Mrs. McCarthy and JN are going to steal away to, or so they say.

6. Do people say you look like Abraham Lincoln?
No, more like Tom Cruise, thanks.

7. Are you willing to give Mrs. McCarthy a backrub every Tuesday at 4:00 pm?
I am willing, but I thought that JN had that spot already, or is there strife in Camelot?

8. Do you solemnly swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States so help you God?
I do.

9. Have you ever been convicted of any crime against animals?(please include any beastiality convictions)
If hating Pod People (as JN calls them) is a crime against animals, then I'm guilty, otherwise, I'm good.

10. Do you swear to keep your own identity a secret for the rest of your natural life?
(if you answer no to the above, the sessions with Mrs. McCarthy increase to 8 times per week.)
Although the thought of having the sessions with Mrs. McCarthy are enticing, I won't be revealing my identity in this lifetime.

Assuming I passed with flying colors, I will be compiling new pieces of information throughout the weekend. Happy New Year to everyone - esp you Mrs. McCarthy. You too JN, Cambriville, Tricky (oh Tricky please come back), Steve Cockneck, Delusional - everyone else other than The Newmanator.

Ace Reporter
Cambriville News

Tricky

Can't a guy step out of here for Christmas without morphing into SO'Ds cabana boy? Sheesh.

As far as our Wannabe Reporter, I've been in the Davis Square Starbucks precisely twice, and both times to drop a huge turd in their plumbing. I'm not diametrically opposed to Starbollocks, but would prefer to partake of their overroasted offerings when they're the only game in town, and not within 100 yards of half a dozen other places. There are better places in the square for coffee. Norton will tell you the same.

Hint: mid-morning, look for the guy in the back of the joint across the street, sunglasses, iced coffee, and a boatload of reading material. At least once in a while, but I've got other pots on my stove starting to overheat, I may have to stir them first.

Just let me finish my sabbatical. I'm having a hard enough time to conceive of a Post-Kotydome Cambriville anyway...

Carry on.

James Norton

OK, so I take a few days off myself (no I wasn't vacationing with Tricky or anyone else...) and look what happens. Mayhem.

Ron Newman -

Since when have I been downgraded to "the moderator" of this weblog? That wasn't so nice.

Fake Posters like the last Camrbiville jerk -

If you want to fake post, post something known to be a lie, or post some vicious about a civilian, then you'll get it unpublished the second one of us sees it on the weblog AND you're ass will be banned, which it now is. And just FYI - I can tell when someone from one IP address posts using a "masking" program.

Everyone else -

Before you all start blasting me about Mark Horan not being a civilian...YES he is a civilian now. He doesn't work for the city and he isn't (as far as anyone can tell) still involved actively in local politics. There's a difference between someone like him and someone who I won't bother to name at the moment, but you can figure out who it is fairly quickly because she keeps poking her crinkly nose into every local race thinking she knows whats she's talking about, etc etc etc...and even then, posting with a full name and/or address something that's known to be a lie and/or over the top vicious, will STILL be unpublished and you'll get your ass banned.

Enjoy the weblog, post something - who cares - but don't abuse it. Use your senses people. Please, I encourage all interaction, but if you mess with my rules, I will make sure you'll never post here again, just for ruining it for everyone else.

Chew on that.

JN

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
DECEMBER 31, 2005


INAUGURAL CEREMONIES CHANGE(again)


Due to a scheduling conflict with headliner Eminem, the Mayor's office today announced that Bono has agreed to perform at Monday nights affair. In addition, the tribute song to the Mayor for his recent victory over Nobody,has been changed to a different Andrea Bocelli selection.

Backup singers, Mssrs. Mackey, White, Casey, Callahan, Connolly, LaFuente and Sullivan as well as Ms. Jehlen, Foster and Martinez will perform "Con Te Partiro" (Time to Say Goodbye).

A reminder from the Traffic and Parking Division that all meters within a 4 mile radius of Central Hill will remain in effect throughout the event.

NEXT WEEK IN THE cAMBRIVILLE NEWS HEALTH:

Yoga and Natural Enemas - Can Progressives Have It All?

Continued...................

Mrs. McCarthy

Mr. James Norton
The Soon To Be Former Somerville News
Formerly Somerville
Massachusetts


Dear Mr. Norton;

I have been informed by my Editorial Board and that cutie John Malkovitch that an article recently appeared on your paper's Weblog concerning, what I feel, may be a slandeous remark made against my character and physical appearance.

Specifically, the term "crinckly nose" appears to be, and I certainly hope this is a mistake on my part, directed to a woman of my age group. Mr. Norton, I know you to be a man of some importance in Cambriville and certainly hope I am jumping to conclusion concerning this posting.

If you could, please clarify for your readers in a subsequent post that it was not I that was the target of this insensitive remark.

I eargerly await your response,

Mrs. Mary McCarthy
Editor In Chief - Cambriville News
Little Sisters of the Poor and Happy
Crinckly Noseland Avenue
Somerville, Massachusetts

James Norton

Mrs. McCarthy -

You know who I meant, it certainly wasn't you. Nice try - trying to get me to say the name, even though she's fair game. I'm better than that sweetie. In any case, the crinkly nose crack wasn't about you.

Enjoy

JN

Mrs. McCarthy

Jamie,

Thank God, my little one. I was so distraught I drop-kicked one of the SS nuns up here and now I'll have to stay in hiding in the boiler room until they all pass out tonight after they finish the Bailey's Irish Creme.

And honestly, I never really thought you would be so mean to criticize my rhinoplasty job. Just because I now listen through my left ear and blow boogers out of my right, doesn't mean I'm totally dissatisfied with the nose job.

Well my nutty and whacky ex-patriot, I've got to start getting ready for tonight's festivities(and trust me Love, it takes hours).

Hope to see you in Copley Square or at least Ball(square that is you cheeky monkey)

Please, on behalf of all of us here at the Cambriville News, if you plan to drink tonight, plan to let someone sober do the driving. We need as many of you great readers as we can get. Happy, Safe and Healthy New Year!!!!!!!!!

I'm saying Novenas for all of you. (three for you Trickey, you fucking deserter)

Mrs. McCarthy

Mr. Mallinson,

I cannot speak for the Somerville News, but as Editor-in-Chief of the Cambriville News, the answer to your question, Why yes it is!!!

Have a Great New Year, Big Red!


The Not Yet Late(but close to it)
Mrs.Mary McCarthy
Editor-in-Chief
Cambriville News
Little Sister of the Poor and Politically Connected
Seeking Scandinavians Avenue(sorry Jamie)
Somerville, Massachusetts

Cambriville News

INAUGURAL CERMONIES UPDATE
JANUARY 1, 2006


Mayor Curtatone's administration once again has made a change to tomorrow night's lineup of performers at the 2006 Inaugural Cermonies(now called the "Joey Show").

Bono, scheduled to perform, abruptly cancelled when informed that he would be sharing the stage with event MC, Bono impersonator and DPW grounds keeper, Frank Santangelo. Santangelo, who insisted on riding a Vesper motorbike through the Auditorium as part of his act, could not be reached on his yacht at press time for comment.

The Mayor however, always prepared with a new plan, has announced that a new headliner group will perform instead. The "Von Roche Family Singers"(all 239 members) will perform several selections from the Sound of Music in addition to their chosen tribute song to the Mayor, the Pointer Sisters hit "We Are Family". When asked how much this new act would cost the City, the Mayor replied, "Who gives a shit. We can afford it based on projected T&P revenue forcasts."

FLAG RAISING CEREMONIES CHANGE


The Mayor's office also issued a statement this morning outlining a change to the flag raising cermemonies scheduled for noon atop Progressives Hill near the new KoKo Curtatone Dog Run Park. Acting(and we do mean acting)Police Chief Bradley will not appear as George Washington atop his trusty horse "Coppah" this year. Reports of the horses disappearance from his stall last night could not be confirmed at press time. The Chief instead will ride to Progessives Hill Park atop a brand new street sweeper driven by parade marshall and DPW Commish, Stanley Koty.

The Commish has asked us to remind readers that all parking meters, as well as the recently called Snow Emergency will be in full force throughout the weekend. Illegally parked cars will be towed to Assembly Square and left overnight for vandals.

The Cambriville News has learned that former First Lady Barbara Bush declined an invitation to participate in this years ceremonies after being informed she would be sharing the stage with Ward 4 Alderman Walter Pero. No further information or details were provided by the former First Lady's office in Kennebunkport.

Developing................

Ace Reporter

FLAG RAISING CEREMONIES

Today, atop Prospect Hill, many notable un-notables were spotted milling about and whoring themselves around, as expected. The first day of a new year obviously brings absolutely nothing new to the good old boy political landscape and the different people spotted talking to each other was humorous, at best.

Those who were noted as not being present were the likes of the Ward 1, Ward 3 and Ward 7 Aldermen, the entire School Committee and Jamie Norton. Some people who were spotted at the event were: Ron Newman, Walter Pero, Tim Toomey, Denise Provost, Tony Alibrandi, Nick Salerno, Frank Senesi and others.

Overheard by someone at the event, was one member of the PDS who mused that after just a few more seats are won by the "movement", then they shall go to work dismantling the remainder of the old boy network and then set their sights on renaming public buildings and landmarks to reflect more progressive stalwarts of today. Replacing Prospect Hill with the name Progressive Precipice was mentioned.

Also overheard was a relative of someone who works at City Hall who, upon seeing the publishers of The Somerville News, remarked that they've been blacklisted from City Hall - along with several other residents of the city, including a few members of the Mayor's own family.

Donald Norton, of The News, was seen leaving the event suddenly, which was conicidentally the time when several gatherers noticed that someone nicknamed "frumpy" was wearing jeans and running back and forth from "the Skipper's" vehicle. It was not a pretty sight.

Some late breaking details about the gala event Monday night are flooding the phone banks and the email accounts. More to follow...

Ace Reporter

Of Course

Too those that attend the Inagural tomorrow night, just think of the people in the Engine 4 district that are still without a fire stataion while the Mayor sits in his newly painted office. The Buidling shop worked over the weekend on overtime while Engine 4 is still out of service.

Nice to think about yourself before others isn't it Joey...but then again, that is how you always have been.

delusional

the mayor should be ashamed on himself. i heard about the renovations going on up at city hall and this guy is so self-centered its bordering on retarded. i love it when i heard that hes actually upset that ANY cop could make more money than him - and thats why hes trying to stick it to the patrolmans union. paranoid? oh way beyond that my fine feathered friends...i think jn went off on words and their meanings back over a year ago and now it dawns on me why he did it - to lampoon these complete tools, esp king tool in the corner office. why it takes outsiders posting on a weblog (like me) to point out that hey, you screwed the guys at the news over and thats why theyre mad at you, why dont you reach out and make the peace or suck it up for another two years and deal with it...tricky, cockneck, mole, someone back me up on this - please...

Ace Reporter

NEW DETAILS ON INAUGURAL CEREMONIES

The gala event scheduled for January 2nd has been officially renamed "The Joey Show" by the Ministry of Moron. All people not driving used Prius's are advised to take the non-existent green-line into the new Franey Way Station and ride along with Boss Hogg and the new CDLers, who along the way to the event will sing a new diddy called "Thank you, Mike Brown".

For those who arrive in plush style via their used Toyota Pruis, there will be plenty of valet parking, provided by Frankie "two-badge" and the 125 new meter nazi's, led by a member of the O'Donovan family.

The red carpet will be replaced with a brown and green carpet comprised of recently rounded up homeless people from Davis Square, led by Jack Connolly and organized by The Midget and his lovely horse, wife, girlfriend - who knows anymore.

The after-party will be held in the newly rehabbed Mayor McCheese epicurean quarters.

More details to follow...

Mrs. McCarthy

Memo

To: Ace Reporter

From: Mrs. McCarthy

Re: Reporting Do's and Don't


Ace, it has come to our attention that one of your recent posts referred to the wife of a public figure here in Cambriville. As you know, we here at the Cambriville News pride ouselves in the paranoia we wreak throughout the city by poking fun at any public and/or semi-public(i.e. Ron"Butters"Newman) citizens. And as with our competitor, the Somerville News, we all walk a very thin line when it comes to who is fair game and who is not.

We ask you to refrain from further postings regarding the spouses/siginificant others of any of the targets, uh, subjects of your news articles.

Pets of the infamous in our proud city, are of course, fair game. Hence the references to "KoKo" Curtatone and "Coppah" Bradley.

I hope we do not have to discuss this subject in the future.

As for your undercover assignment at tommorrow night's festivities, NO you cannot wear a Hilary Clinton mask to disquise your true identity. But do feel free to wear a plain brown paper bag over your head. I doubt any of the participants will even notice.


Livin and Lovin Large
(Doug Flutie Rocks)
Mrs. Mary McCarthy
Editor in Chief
Cambriville News
Progressives Hill Publishing
Flutieland Avenue
Cambriville, Massachusetts

Ron Newman

> Those who were noted as not being present were ... the entire School Committee

Roberta Bauer (Ward 3) and Mark Niedergang (Ward 5, starting tomorrow night) were there. I think Maureen Bastardi was too, but I'm not sure.

James Norton

Ron -

You do realize that the guy "Ace Reporter" isn't really a reporter for any paper, most especially this one - and that it was most likely a reference to the School Committee not mattering all that much...

Now don't get me wrong, I love our School Committee - I once sat on it for the better part of two years. As the guy who has to keep some semblance of order around here and not much time to even come up with any of the stuff thrown around this weblog - I find Of Course, Mrs. Mcarthy, Cambriville and the rest of these people very witty, albeit not very often 100% correct.

If you can keep it in mind that they're writing in a a semi-fictionalized manner, I think you'll be able to let some of it go. I only say this because I was at the event today, although I highly doubt anyone actually saw me there (I was in super-stealth mode).

Enjoy.

JN

Isn't his appointment as Election commissioner just about up this year?

Wow, what was the Somerville Election Commissioner doing there at the flag raising on Prospect Hill? Oh ya,that's right! Isn't his appointment as Election commissioner just about up this year? Hmmmmmmm! I haven't seen him out in the public's eye since he was last out kissing Dot's arssss just before Dot left office! Hmmmmm! Now after two years he surfaces! Hmmmm! I bet next he will be at all the up and coming events puckering up and kissing this administration's arssss next! Hope the administration can see through this one.

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 1, 2006

(CN) It was announced today that James Norton of the Somerville News, Cambriville Massachusetts, is this years Emmy nominee as "Political Journalist of the Year" for his moderator role on the recently aired debate on SCAT Channel 3.

Norton, a member of the powerful, political, Cambriville Norton family, recently moderated the debate between State Senate candidates Elizabeth Moroney and Alderman Denise Provost. The program, "The Rose Between Two Thorns" had its final airing tonight on SCAT. (Does anyone else in this town find it amusing that SCAT stands for poo-poo in some slang circles?)

Norton beat former Alderman James Halloran, former host of the "Alderman's Hour" on Cable Channel 16, for this years honors.

When contacted about his loss to Norton, Halloran would only reply, "I pooped my pants!".

Monday on Cambrville News at 11:00......

The re-braoadcast of Commissioner Stan Koty's Inaugural Address.

(as always, the program will be simulcast in Braille and Ubi-Doobi)

About time

I remember when Mayor Gay hired him. We thought he was going to work with us. But instead Gay appointed him as Election commissioner because he wanted to be protected from the new administration so that they couldn't fire him when Joe took office so he became our inexperienced boss. And still is both today! So Gay inserted him into a Joe-proof job. The security blanket has worn off. Time for a change!

Of Course

Jamie, it will be my pleasure to finally meet with you as we rub elbows this evening. We have met before briefly, but tonight will be different.

We will be among the dirties politicians since the middle 70's, we will not have the luxury of valet parking, we will observe the peeling of the BOA ceiling chambers, we sill both enjoy the smell of fresh paint in the Mayor's Office. I guess you would say it will be like the movie, "Marching with the Penguins". Well, almost I said.

Then we will travel together along the walkway to the Gene Brune Atrium where the sidewalks will be glittered with snow and ice. Hopefully, Boss Hogg will have those sidewalks treated with some kind of chemical. As we step into the finely decorated Atrium, you put your umbrella up so you don't get dripped on from the leaks in the roof. You watch your step as you glide along the terracotta tiles. Again, be careful, some or broken and cracked.

We make our way into the Field house looking so glorious and grand. Round tables set around the plastic floor taped with duct tape. Look down Jamie it's there. We'll wine and dine on the food from Culinary Arts, which is better than most in the City. We will dance among the hacks as we hear the jingle jangle of tic tacs floating in their pockets.

As we leave tonight, not as dates, but as ah, friends, we will look back over our shoulders and see the inevitable vision. We will be the only ones that will know what that vision is because I sent you a copy of them to your mailbox today…

Enjoy the party and may all of yours have a safe and prosperous New Year…

Tricky

Breaking News: State Senator Pat Jehlen (D-Cambriville) has emerged after six weeks of post-election dealmaking and handshaking on Beacon Hill and outright plotting with her PDS underlings to declare that her annual "Stilts and Soup" party will be held at her palatial Dane Street mansion later this month. French Onion soup will be served, as well as high-fiber seven-grain croissants from the Cambriville Bakers' Commune (formerly Lyndell's Bakery).

- - - -

And props to Mrs. McCarthy, who is denying Cambriville News reports that she actually was in attendance at the last successful NFL dropkick back in 1941. Her Flutiedom has been unflagging since Dougie was playing Pop Warner ball back in Natick in the mid-70s.

(DISCLAIMER: FACTUAL INFORMATION AHEAD) Flutie was quoted after the game as saying : "...if that ends up being my last play, it wouldn't be bad."

Not a bad way to go out, Doogie, not at all.

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 2, 2006


DEVELOPING NEWS.......

Due to security concerns, the Mayor's office today issued a "persons of interest" list to all law enforcement agencies and requested that these individuals be detained and prevented from attending tonight's Inaugural cermemonies. Sheriff DiPaulo and former Attny. General Harshbargain, who will head tonight's detail, said extra meter maid's will be on duty to perform security checks on all persons entering the Centennial Auditorium.

The Cambriville News has obtained that list and in the interest of public service has decided to give the heads up to those "persons of interest". The following individuals should take the necessary precautions when approaching Central Hill tonight.

The Norton Family
George P. Hassett
Somerville Journal Staff
The Somerville Police Patrolmen's Union
Mystic View Task Force Members
All Former, Current and Future Progressives
Helen"Doby"Corrigan
The Entire Ward 6 Population
All Sycamore Street Residents
Former First Lady Barbara Bush
Jeb Bush
Former Mayor Dorothy Kelly Gay
Citizen's With a First Name of Joe
Somerville H.S.Varsity Football Team
Former Labor Secretary Robert Reich
(don't worry Bob, they won't see you)

Additionally, attorney's for the Cambriville News filed in Somerville Municipal Court this morning an appeal to lift the court order from the City barring Mrs. Mary McCarthy, Editor-in-Chief of the Cambriville News, from attending the ceremonies.

Asked to comment about the legal proceedings, Mrs. McCarthy issued this terse statement through her lawyers, Donovan, Donavan, Donavan, Duninavan, Diddonnainavan, and O'Flattery, "Who gives a shit! They can't even figure out who swiped the dough from T&P, and these clowns expect to catch me?"


It is expected that despite the efforts to detain and block entrance of uninvited guests. the Auditorium will be filled to capacity.(if it ain't watch for a new Communications Director within the month)


From the Pews in next week's Sunday Edition:

Archbishop O'Malley: "Brown is the New Black" and other friar fashion tips.


Of Course

Gee looks like the Mayor will be traveling in style this week. Evidently, the Skipper is out of town on vacation and the Skipper's Cadillac is a much better ride than the Blue Pick-up.

Make sure the Mayor pulls up to the red carpet tonight as he exits the Skippers vehicle...

And mrs. mccarthy, we don't want to see you popping out of any trunks now do we Jamie?

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 2, 2006


Logan Airport, 1:10pm - Air traffic


Cambriville News

(sorry, damned arthritis, the thumb slipped)


CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 2, 2006


LOGAN AIRPORT - 1:15PM Air traffic controllers have halted all airline landings and takeoffs for at least 1 hour this afternoon. The heavy amount of air traffic is due to the large number of Cambriville residents returning to our City for tonight's Inaugural ceremonies. Seen in the arrivals section of Terminal C was Alderman Sean O'Donovan, just in from South Beach and looking rested and quite tan. Asked for a comment about tonight's event, the Ward Five Alderman, looking slightly bewildered, responded "I don't know much about it, but I'm voting for it. Now get away from me asshole."

Also seen jetting in for the day was former Mayoral candidate Tony LaFuente, back from a restful ski vacation in Portugal(huh?)and whistleing the 40's tune "I'll Be Seeing You In All The Old Familiar Places."

The charter jet carrying the over 200 "Von Roche Family Singers" was still sitting on the runway due to a dispute over the pilot's supposed kinship to the family. Asked for comment about the family's debut performance tonight, Alderman Bill Roche muttered, "Get away from me asshole, or you'll be writing that column with your toes."

And finally, the Kennedy family helicopter was cleared for landing at the "MaxPac" site in Ward Five shortly before press time. Landing clearance and ground duties were provided by Ward Five activists Ralph Russo and Joe Lynch.(unfortunately the chopper landed on both of them). Seen leaving the landing site was Steve Kennedy Smith(the owner), his uncle, Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy, 143 assorted other Kennedy's, Shriver's and Lawford's and Helen "Doby" Corrigan. Asked how she expected to break through security checkpoints tonight, Corrigan replied, "Got my Stan Koty mask all set. Now get away from me asshole."

Tonight's Inaugural Menu:


Turkey, Ham and a lot of Baloney.
(all served on steaming hot plates from the Union Square eatery, "Up Your Ass Deli"

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 2, 2006


BREAKING NEWS........

Due to an unanticipated delay at Logan Airport, the "Von Roche Family Singers" will not be performing at the Inaugural Ceremony tonight, Tom Champion announced from the newly decorated Mayor's office.

"Family issues arose over a salary dispute, that's all we know at this time" Champion was quoted in the New York Times earlier today. "We do however have special treat for the attendees. Mr. Ronald "Butters" Newman, Cambriville's very own Woody Allen lookalike, will perform various selections from Verde's "Aida", in Yiddish, dressed as one of the Andrews Sisters. Newmies press agent, Mia Farrow, quoted him as saying, "Wow, I can't beleive my luck, Carl Sciortino and I are the same size!".

Also from the Mayor's office, in addition to the new parking meters installed on every street in Cambriville, the $750.00 admisssion fee to the Ceremony and parking tickets handed out regarless of whether or not you are legally parked, attendees are urged to bring an extra roll of quarters tonight. Every seat in the Centennial Auditorium will have new meters installed by showtime.

Cambriville News has also learned that Alderman and Large Bruce Desmond has filed a protest with the T&P department over a disputed parking ticket. "They fined me $1,800.00 for not feeding the meter! It's an outrage." Desmond complained to the News.

"You see the size of his Mercedes? Boo-fucking-hoo. He can afford it. Besides, nobody gives a shit what he thinks, the city needs the revenue." an anonymous City Hall source was quoted as saying.


Tonight at Eleven.........

Alderman Tom Taylor speaks about the building anticipation for next weeks Inaugural Celebration(Shhhhhhhh, don't tell him).

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
CURTATONE 2, 2006


Ok folks....Ready, set ........Live on the Concourse atop Central Hill and from the Centennial Auditorium, in the fabulous City of Cambriville...... It's the Second Annual Inaugural Ceremonies and the Curtatone Awards..........

Late Breaking News Bulletin.......

Shit, Jerry, the live feed seems to have been cu....................................................................................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......................

Fade to Black.


"The Truth Hurts"

Rumor has it that Tony L had a "haters Party" last night at his mansion on Winter Hill. They sat on the sofa and watched the innagural together. Tony L allegedly kicked John L outa his house after John L reapeatedly haunted Tony about losing the election two years ago. Better luck next time boyz!

Of Course

Another snow emergency in the "Ville". Hope those $100’s parking tickets get all wet in the rain. Oh yeah, they are constructed so weather cannot destroy them.

Not a millimeter of snow on the ground at 7:34 am, January 2, 2005. It was declared within the first 4 minutes of the Inaugural speech last night. Boy will we have flashbacks to the last snow emergency.

What is up with this Administration? Calling snow emergencies at will. Sounds similar to the President conducting his recent in country wire-tapping.

Jamie, I'll tell you. You looked wonderful last night at the Ball. Too bad not many showed up for the gala event. Even the cameras kept a low profile last night being careful not so show the empty balconies. I can remember when there was standing room only.

OH by the way, did you happen to look over you shoulder last night when you left the ball to see the image one can never forget? I hope so!!!!

Of Course

Well, since Jamie must still be in a coma after last nights FAILED gala event, let me help you with some statistics from last evening.

When you watch the re-run of the Inaugural, if they even do it, you will notice that there was no one in attendance in the balconies. The entire stage left was emptied of people except for the Baptist Church Choir which was made up of 60 members. The entire back of the Auditorium was empty of people also. There might have been a half a dozen Police Officers, ones that were promoted and the rest Department Heads, excluding the Skipper. There also were 30 members of the Walnut Street Center.

I am sure the majority of other audience members were friends and family of the 2 new School Committee members and the 1 Alderman member. This is telling a sad story to this Administration.

There was so much wasted food left over from the event in the Field House that they are probably using it for the luncheon today, tomorrow and the rest of the week. It is a shame but it only goes to show you how weak this Administration has become in the last two years.

I need to wait until the City posts the Mayor's Inaugural speech on the web site to check and see how many times the Mayor said, "I" did this and "I" did that. I am not positive, but almost assured; he never thanked his Administration at all for the past two years of their service. Then again why would he! HE did it all...

Isn't that what they diagnose as "Compulsive Disorder?"

~~~It's all about JOE~~~

Not an excuse, but.........

I'm not trying to make excuses, but the only time an inaugual is truly a 'gala' is when a new administration comes in. Capuano's got very humdrum after his many years in office. People attended who had to, or as you said had relatives being sworn in, but the party after was almost non-existent. Especially since there was an uncontested election this year for mayor. Also, don't forget that the festivities began at approximately 5:30 at city hall (many people were probably there well before that), and as I tried to catch parts of it at home, the ceremony was still going strong just after 9:00 pm. Only the real diehards (or new electees) are anxious for a party after that long ordeal!

Hit the road Jack?

Joe didn't mention Jack Connelly or his 22 years on the board at all. Did he just forget or something?

Tricky

That's because there's no "I" in Jack Connolly.

Mrs McCarthy

Tricky,

Au contraire, my dear. Jack Connolly has two "eyes" and he'll be watching and waiting...........

Still trying to figure out what the hell happened to our live feed from the festivities last night. We have been unable to contact Ace Reporter or the three others assigned to cover the event.

Anyone who knows the whereabouts of our news team should contact me directly at the Cambriville News news line or feel free to blog us here.


Bored to Tears at the Inaugural,

Mrs. McCarthy
Editor in Chief
Cambriville News
Little Sisters of the Poor
LetDown Avenue
Cambriville, Massachusetts

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 3, 2006


DATELINE CAMBRVILLE.....Search and rescue teams in Peru have confirmed that the four naked people found wandering in the forrest southeast of Lima, are the missing reporters from the Cambriville News. Peruvian officials, unable to communicate in Ubi-Doobi, relayed schetchy details of the rescue. We were able to discern however that three were wearing brown paper bags over their heads and one was sporting a Hilary Clinton mask using it as a codpiece.

Officials also found the remnants of a Vespa motor scooter(with the Herb Chambers corporate logo still plainly visable) nearby, but badly burned and charred.

Peruvian officials did manage to communicate with the U.S. Embassy spokesperson their initial confusion over the names of the individuals as all were calling out the name "Skipper" when discovered by rescuers.

Developing..............


RoundTable Discussion at McIntyre and Moore:

Prairie Oysters: "Breakfast of Cambriville Politicians"


Women's Night at Toast - 11:00 PM Thursday

"The Andrews Sisters with Butters Newman"

Ron Newman

I was in the back of the auditorium and there were a lot of folks around me, so it's not accurate to say the back was empty.

The woman next to me said the mayor spoke for 35 minutes. In my opinion, that was at least 15 minutes too long. I agreed with much of what he said, but he could have said it all much more succinctly.

newman dressed like a slob at inaguarion but at least in men's clothes

I wated to see make my own opinion of "Newmie" before agreeing with the majority of bloggers about him being abonoxios and a total doofus untill I got to see him in action as well. Ron is a VERY little man that likes to run his mouth off and feed his foolish opinion into this weblog. As a member of a city commision such as he holds a post on the Bicycle Committee he should relaize that he is representing the city when at such affairs as the Inaugration of our mayor. And with in an earshot of this idiot at the reception to follow (each time I have seen Newmie there is always free food) He approches the Mayor and instead of hello and congradulations he goes into a long quetion about some foolish issue when there are many people wishing to greet the mayor both old and new residents of the city. NEWMAN is a rude, arrogant, and perfect example of the kind of person that would poop on your doorstep and ring the bell and ask for free toilet paper. When the old lifelong residents of Somerville have resentment for these type of people (wich is wrong as wee must welcome everyone) It is folk like Newman that invokes that type of sentiment. Keep up your posts and your foolish remarks when you come for city events (translation free meals) but realize no one takes you seriously Mr Newman and you deserve all the crap that is dished out to you on this weblog. You are an embaresment to the city. By the way being so close to the Goodwill shop in Davis, you might buy some very nice ties for i think the standard price of $3 that they charge. When you decide to dress in mens clothing try presenting yourself at city events as a professional man. I NEVER judge anyone by other's opinion but now that I have seen tjhis clown in action a several times I have to agree with all the insults people direct to him in this weblog. Sorry for my typos i have an injured hand)

Brittain33

With trashy comments like this, is it any wonder that almost no one is willing to post by name?

Cambriville News

CAMBRIVILLE NEWS
JANUARY 5, 2006


LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Joseph A. Curtatone
Mayor of Cambriville and Munchkinland
McCarthyland Avenue
Cambriville, Massachusetts


Dear Mr. Mayor,

It has come to our attention that there seems to be some confusion in your Administration concerning the ownership, authenticity and article authorship of our Pulitzer Prize winning publication and the articles in "The Cambriville News".


First, let me assure you that I, Mrs. Mary McCarthy, am the sole owner, Editor-in-Chief, head writer, and sole pot stirrer of this fine piece of media farce. Prospect Hill Publishing, the Norton's, the Tauros and anyone else your paranoid group of merrymakers on Central Hill can think of are in no way responsible for its content.

As you are aware, considering some of the clowns that occupy positions in your Administration, humor is one of the essential elements of life itself. We here at the Cambriville News strive to print the news only as we see it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And as you are also aware, accountability is the key to any successful CEO. As such, I take full and complete responsibility for the content of this publication.

Should you wish to futher discuss your concerns about our publication or industrial theft, please feel free to contact me in the Community Room at the Little Sisters of the Poor, accross the street from the Curtatone Center for the Performing Arts(the former Armory) on McCarthyland Avenue.


Yours in the Name of Free Speech and Katherine Graham

Mrs. Mary McCarthy
Little Sister of the Poor
McCarthyland Avenue(formerly Highland)
Cambriville, Massachusetts

Note to Trickey and Ace Reporter:

Please ensure that security is tightened at all entrances and exits in the building. I will also be in need of an armed escort to and from the nut house for the next two months.

Of Course

I had to take a look at a paragraph in the Mayor’s Inaugural address to see if what he is saying "will" happen. Unlike the last Inaugural address where he unmistakably stated, he was making everyone accountable for his or her actions we know THAT didn't happen. We still have that unsolved mystery theft at the Traffic & Parking Department. Whoever submitted the projected amounts of income from the Traffic & Parking Department that fell short, is still in their position. So accountability is not on his agenda.

Now he states, and I quote, "Without increases in state aid, Curtatone said city administrators and unions "will soon face the unfair and unpleasant alternative of having to choose between making concessions on health benefits, forgoing even modest salary increases, or enacting cutbacks in city services, including layoffs."

Well, Mr. Mayor, why should we believe you this time around? Why don't you test the waters to see how receptive your proposed cuts in health insurance are with your appointments? Why don't you start with decreasing salary with your Appointments? Why don't you start layoffs with your appointments?

Try with some of the 311 operators. Your own stats show that one operator would be enough. With the three that you have and a call volume of 600 for 10 days, only shows they took 1/2 a call an hour for those first 10 days. What about the new Night Code enforcers that just recently came on board. Rumor has it; one might be none other than Boss Hoggs son! You keep on adding and adding to the bottom line with personnel, you keep on requesting more and more study commissions that have assembled 3 times before. You keep on calling for snow emergencies and there is no snow. You cost the taxpayers over $13,000 last week for the rainstorm we had. I mean we can all pick apart your budget. The BOA is in your hand for whatever reason and everyone is afraid of you.

So Joe, let's start at home. Cut your staffs’ livelihood before you chop our Union. Let's see if you have the marbles to start on your own people first, and then carry over to the Union. You think you can do that? I bet NOT.

Steve Cockneck

delusional wrote 'tricky, cockneck, mole, someone back me up on this - please...' regarding the Mayor recently. Well I am going to back you here. I like Joe. I really do. But I don't like what I see at 93 Highland. Afteryears of taxe increases and more expensive services, license, and permits, he states in his inaugural address that the city may be looking at layoffs. What!? I JN ran the News like Joe runs the the City he'd be out of business.

How about this... Let's stop adding non-essential services like 311.

How about we stop buying out department heads (McClean) for huge money.

How about we only send PCO's out for snow emergencies when there'sreally snow or really an emergency. Oh, sorry this is a way to screw the people out of another $200,000 and tow their cars.

How about we reduce the meters around the city so people will keep coming to our businesses so they can keep paying their taxes. In the process we might be able to open new businesses and form new revenue streams.

How about we tke the Mayor's advice when he says we have to have commercial rather that residential taxes (because commercial brings in more revenue than residential) and we stop allowing the re-development of commercial properties into residential properties (i.e. Maxpac and the lot at Morrison and Willow.

How about we take the new revenues the Mayor promised us when Assembly Square was redevelopedand put that to good use. All of these new stores must be ading something to city coffers that wasn't there last year. Right?

To Of Course and Brickbottom.... I've been away for a while but Of Course has done a great job keeping the City informed. Brickbottom, where have you gone? I miss you.

delusional, you said the Mayor screwed the News guys over. Give more details please.

Ron Newman

The neighbors may not be happy with 229 proposed condo units at Maxpac, but I'll bet they'd be even less happy with a strip mall or a large retail store or some new industrial use. We need more commercial development, but probably not on this site. It is zoned Residence "B".

Morrison and Willow is zoned Residential "C" (which does allow some limited commercial use).

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